Is there a spin doctor in the house?

A5

By Robert LaFrance

Stumble Upon

del.icio.us

Digg

Facebook

Print

Email

Speak Up

It's become quite a race and if you'll pardon the cliché, it's going down to the wire. I'm talking about the numbers of potholes versus the number of people heading to Alberta. The former number is remaining steady at 271 per kilometre but the number of folks leaving for the greener (actually browner) pastures out west is coming up fast.

Highway 105 between the Carleton County line and Medford probably has somewhere around 12,000 potholes - and if you think I'm lying drive it yourself - but at last count 9,882 citizens have migrated out west, so after a while it's going to be what debaters call a moot point. The number of potholes won't matter anyway because there won't be anyone left to drive over them except old people like me and we're the ones who remember the old days when a good road was considered one a bulldozer could drive over without getting a flat tire. We're all happy, right? One old codger I know even categorizes them as to type and has named several hundred of them.

"You got that all wrong," said Flug, scaring me pretty near to death. He had been reading over my shoulder when I thought he was snoozing on the chesterfield. "The people are going out west BECAUSE the roads are so bad. Like Elvis, D.O.T. has left the building, and the only place I know of that any work is being done in southern Victoria County is just below Perth where Northern Construction had a contract for two kilometres. Below that it's still the surface of Mars."

Just then a fancy car stopped by my mailbox and a fancy gentleman got out. "Hi," he said. "I'm a government spin doctor. I understand there have been some complaints about the roads. I'm here to show you some photos of what the roads COULD look like if we didn't take care of them."

The photo spread was impressive all right. One road was obviously in the Alps, somewhere in Italy. Or maybe Scotland or Ukraine - somewhere over there. The road - a trail really - was wide enough for a narrow bicycle and a fairly slim person. Down at the foot of the mountain, 500 feet below the road, were the still smouldering remains of a few vehicles.

"So you see," the Spin Doctor said, "it could be a lot worse. Now quit complaining." He spun away in a cloud of dust and a hearty "Hi-O Silver!"

"Who was that masked man?" said Flug, remembering the old TV days and The Lone Ranger. I explained that a spin doctor was a highly paid liar whose annual salary could have paved the road from Tobique River to Tilley Takeout. "Imagine that," he said in wonder. "Being paid to lie. I was a barber on Parliament Hill for 40 years and never heard of such a thing. Of course Brian Mulroney skated a little close to the wall a few times."

*************************

During this quickly moving summer, I have gotten right to work many times and, thinking better of the idea, have sat back down many times to consider that rash move. Meanwhile I have thought of a few things I wouldn't mind having some help with, so if readers would care to phone or write me, I will reply unless I'm sleeping. Here are some questions I have been pondering:

As one who watches TV quite a bit - and one who actually admits it - I see many commercials that use the verb "exfoliate".

What the heck does that mean? The first time I ever heard the word was in a hair gel commercial, then one for battery acid, and finally one for a car wax. My dictionary said ‘exfoliate' means "assisting in ameliorating or acts as catalyst for dumb ads".

I'm not sure if this word has been used before, or if I just thought of it, but I think nerds who are always online and think Facebook and MSN are branches of Heaven should be called ‘Internuts'.

Back to television, what are those diving for old wrecks all about anyway? There must be two shows a night on about some divers going down to the wreck of some U-Boat or destroyer and then saying ‘Yahoo, we finally found it!". I watch in vain for any explanation of why it is important. Robert Ballard and his team found the Titanic many years ago and proved it was down there, which I'm sure made a lot of people happy. You never know, the passengers could have all been on a nearby island and waiting to be rescued all this time.

*************************

Bob's website: http://personal.nbnet.nb.ca/lafrance/index.htm