Let's Agree To Disagree!

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Did you know that I might unknowingly insult someone, but never knowingly! I avoid the "frictional" and the "frictionally" whenever possible! Like the time I saw the purse swinging just in time to duck with, "No no, I said I was a pheasant plucker!" Like too, a recent commentary I came across was on the "socially awkward"! I could readily relate to it! I mean, I present myself likewise, awkwardly "au jus"! And I can only assume that the unfacile, foulful, and flightless great auk (Pinquinus impennis) had essentially the same problem, it being extinct since 1844! And too, yes, I have a chromed swan on my mailbox, while I still have one, because I'd rather be thought of as a "redneck" than a "something else"! Taberduker!

If I try real hard I'm about as close as plait is to braid, or a poncho is to a burnoose! I say, "Let's agree to disagree!" I'm not sophisticated or sporty! Someone asked me, "Have you curled any?" I smiled, "Oh yeah, I've curled a few, and some of ‘em were quite ripe ‘n rocky, but I attempt to shout Timber! before and Timberlee! after, in good taste!" P.U.! Then, I admit I've piggy-sized" a tad also! But, if'n ya don't cut & stack ‘em, ya don't get the syndrome!

Then, to the "follower" and/or "tailgater" - if you travel too close you can't spot the deer beside the road and/or the chicken trying to cross at the proverbial X'ing! Then too, there isn't anything I have to say to tailgater's that can be said in seven letters on a vanity-plate! Insult vs assault - assault is an altogether different kettle of fists! As Jacques Strapp of the bouche-league put it, vitriolingually speaking, ‘No Fisticuffs During Happy-Hour'! However, direct from Dwayne, "If'n the barn-dog starts to eye-ballin' the chickens, it makes more sense to deal directly with the dog than to have ta count the chickens every mornin' don't it!" Maybe thats why the poor chicken apparently forgot the old adage ‘Do not exceed your ability - Be honest with yourself!' Remember - there's no she ox, and no he hen!

Almost

So, why'd the chicken cross the road

Against the awesome tide

The simple answer to it all

Just to reach the other side,

But someone said, with great insight

"I know the reason for that caper!

She did it just so she could get

The Minnesota Paper!"

With a wink, "Do you get it?"

And a hearty, "Hardy har!"

"Actually" I smiled at him,

"I get the local STAR!"

Another says, "I see it boys,

It was only done in fun.

Just to show the porcupine

That it really could be done!"

The point I guess, regardless here

Is that the chicken took a chance

And didn't stay on "Oh well's!" side

But stepped out to join life's dance,

She knew just what she wanted

And didn't think of looking twice

But laid right down her only card

And then she shook the dice,

For she had something most of us

Well, simply put, we lack

She played the odds against the risks

And there'd be no turning back,

Not like the cat or groundhog

Not like the duck or hare

She made her move with firm intent

Not on a whim or dare,

She knew exactly why she went

For she was her single boss

She was the captain of her fate

And ... she almost got across!

D.C. Butterfield

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Meanwhile down at Joes I was talking to the boys from out to Ataway about diverse topics such as how "tumbleweed" (Marijauna!) can give you a quick tumble along the lines of "the law of unintended consequences"! Gus was gossiping about the lixiviator who got caught having an illegal elixir down at the "retox center", the local Tavern! Taberduker! Harley was hunched on his stool like a pigeon squatting scathingly on some statuesque statue and hungering over a Pennsyldelphia creamed cheese and cabbage sandwich about how nervous an anole lizard, genus Anolis, slipping up a feller's pantleg can make him feel! Max was musing about the guy the other night who broke the ‘No Swearing Out Loud' rule and he'd had to deliver a "real pile-driver" of a kick with his homemade cowboy boots! I simply implied how ‘the Lady of the Domicile' sure makes it the proverbial Mrs. Sunshine's Neighborhood after a couple mugs of Lewis's Lube! Why, I hafta slip my copy of ‘Sun-Set Girls Quarterly' between the pages of our local STAR immediately, if not sooner! I'd gamble, "Let's agree to disagree!" if I thought it'd work! It can give me a terribly realistic "peace and prosperity" scare! So's, I stick behind Molly like Gretzky used to stick behind Dave Cementhead! As Caesar said, "There's no place like Rome!" Heck though, nowadays ya needs an HD-TV to tell if'n them female figure-skaters have really got clothes on or not!

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Anyways, I was remonstrating (Not demonstrating!) with "the boys" about hanging around places such as ‘The Prune Bar' over at Hodge's Lodges or with the loose ladies at Hank's Hideaway Haven! Now, I'm not saying that a small glass of Bright-Lite, Cookie-Launcher Ale, Babbling Beer, or Loose-lips Lager will do a feller irreparable harm! But the last time I tried it, many years ago, when I started to move my feet it seemed to come as a complete surprise to the rest of my body! Taberduker! I says, "No, we're doing it ttthhiisssssaay way!" To no avail! Shades of Horace hollered hoarsely, when the Missus came at him at 3 a.m. with a lethal looking lifter! Which reminds me that Corpus delicti means the body of a crime, but not literally, that is - not a corpse! And, to a buzzard, it's corpus delectable!

****************

Well Sir, I've gotta hurry! Just got a call from my dear ole mother and she needs me to help her understand the ‘Illustrated Bedpan Techniques' booklet that the Extra-Mural nurse left with her! I'm gonna finish my pizza-burger and head right down! "I'll be right back!" Or was that, "I'll be back, right?" Until then, "Let's agree to disagree!" No wonder columnists don't grow old - they just lose inches!

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Have Pen - Will Write.