A5

By Robert LaFrance

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My good friend Flug, former Parliament Hill barber, just bought a new GPS system for his 1982 Gremlin.

For those who know something about Gremlins - I mean the automobile kind (kind of), not the ones who fight with dustballs for space under the chesterfield - this pretty much explains the state of Flug's finances after eight divorces, but when he went to Canadian Tire he said he had to have ‘one a them GSP things so I'll know where I am at all times'.

For those who know something about Flug, it's clear that three GPSes and the back seat full of cartographers couldn't help Flug, who is one of the most geographically challenged persons in Christendom. When he goes to Muniac store, he usually has to ask Richard or Theresa for directions back home - and that's without any lemonade involved. When he drinks that, he always focusses on that and leaves his ‘car' in the garage.

So there he was with a new GPS. Harry Redknapp at Redpath Garage installed it for him, and it was with a sense of wonder that Harry watched Flug drive away from his garage and head south instead of north where the old barber's home is located.

"I read your April 13 column where you described your NMIS (Not Mechanically Inclined Syndrome) and I must say, on a scale of one to ten, although you're a 3, Flug has to be a minus six," said Harry. "And I'm in a charitable mood this morning. Remember when he got the remote starter for his Gremlin?"

I remembered. The idea of the electronic device was that the driver can point it out the window on a cold day, start his car, and have it warmed up and the windows cleared by the time he goes out. Flug would go out to his ‘car' and THEN push the button on his ‘remote' starter.

The other evening Flug took his Gremlin to the club and phoned his friend Betty Vernacular to drive him home. She is a Professional Designated Driver and, around here, makes a darned good living. She lives in a camper in the club's parking lot. On the way home, Flug kept telling her to turn left or turn right but Betty ignored him since Flug's house is approximately one kilometre from the club on the same road. The next day she told me that, if she had listened to Flug, they would have ended up in either Minto or Calcutta.

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My recent column about our buying a new car was read by many people and the reactions varied from envy to a sneering contempt.

There was also this: "Why didn't you say you were lookin' for a car? I coulda gut you one a them for $3000 cheaper!" It was a common reaction that only differed from person to person in the amount. These were people I had told several times in the previous weeks that we were about to buy a new car in lieu of walking and not one of them had ever phoned and said: "Honda (or Hyundai or Nissan but not Kia) has a 2-day deal where you get a top of the line hybrid for sixteen twenty-nine!" Wow! A vehicle for less than twenty dollars - now there's a buy! If only I had known.

On the other hand, my first car, a 1961 Falcon the colours of a skunk, cost me a hundred dollars, but I suppose prices were higher in 1970.

I even received letters on the subject. A Fred Allenski of Drummondville, Canadian Province of Quebec, wrote to ask why I hadn't phoned him on the matter, because his son Egbert had just moved to Saudi Arabia to work for the bin Laden family and left his 1983 Gremlin, complete with GPS. "I would have given it to you," said Fred. "It's got a remote starter too."

Since I hadn't ever heard Fred's name before and would have found it difficult to phone him on that basis, I missed out on one-upping Flug. It just goes to show you.

Meanwhile, back at this ranch, I am still listening to people tell me (a) they don't like the colour, (b) we paid far too much, (3) they knew of a 2005 Camry in Kandahar or a 2002 Accord in Bon Accord that only had 3,000 kilometres on it, (4) the trunk's not big enough, or (5) the Kia has a better warranty. As to number (5), I'm sure it needs it.

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Bob's website: http://personal.nbnet.nb.ca/lafrance/index.htm